Smile.
It is really not too difficult to be friendly. We just need to make a choice. Another woman approaches us at work We can put our head quickly down at our desk and duck out or we can meet her eyes with a nice smile. It is a very easy choice.
Ask questions about them.
One thing that we need to realize about people is that we are eternally interested in ourselves. Not just the self-absorbed people that make it obvious, but pretty much everybody is interested in themselves. Even me and you if you think about it. Whose picture do you look for first in a photograph?
So if we are interested mostly in ourselves and we want to make friends with someone else. Who should we talk about first? Who should we talk about most?
It is most effective to talk about them. And the best way to do that is to ask questions. “How is it going?”
“Do you live around here?”
“Is that a picture of your kids?””Are they into sports?”
Ask them questions about their family, their occupation and the things that they like to do for fun. The more we get them talking about themselves the more that they will like us.
Take time for your friend, but not too much time.
Once that we have a friend we need to take time to do things with them. See if they would like to come along when we go shopping, or have a coffee together. Ask them over for a meal or take in a fun event. Pay attention to the things that they like. How do they decorate their home? What kind of jewelry and accessories do they wear? Once you have got to know them for a month or so, it may be appropriate to pick up some small inexpensive item, that says, “I noticed that you like this kind of thing.”
With a new friend one should make a point of getting together about once a week. Call them for a phone conversation about once a week as well. Don’t overwhelm your friend with twelve calls a day, a list of fifty of your latest illnesses, and all of the dirty details of your recent divorce. Once you have built a friendship it will endure some hard times, but don’t pour buckets of slop on your new relationship or your new friend will change their phone number and suddenly need to stay home and wash her hair on the girl’s night out.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The Story Of Cherie Lynn
I use to own a second hand store and one day while I was slogging through piles of clothing, and trying to organize some boxes a woman came in and said that she wanted to help me. I couldn’t believe my ears, but I wasn’t about to argue with her.
As we worked we talked. I really can’t remember who talked the most. We seemed to have so much in common that one of us could start a conversation and the other could finish it. We were like Siamese twins attached at the heart. We did everything together, much to the dismay of our husbands who were nothing alike at all.
We loved the same things. We had similar goals. We shared the same spiritual understandings. It was awesome! I never felt so linked to another woman in my life.
Looking back on it now I am really glad that I had found a good friend before her to practice on, because when Cherie Lynn came into my life it was just what I needed. I am really glad that I had learned enough to know how to be a friend and how to keep a friend and that I did not drive her off.
God brought me Cherie Lynn at just the right time. I t wan not very long after that I was in a serious situation with an abusive husband and my life was not very good. I use to bake whenever I got depressed and I lived in a run down little shack that was decorated in third world motif. Cherie Lynn would come over and there I was with my little kids, my hair a mess and a glaze in my eyes. I would smile my best worn out smile and she would look at the stacks of cinnamon buns, bread, cakes and cookies and say, “Well I think we better take some of these goodies home with us. I am here to rescue you!”
She would happily tell my husband that she was taking me with her, and that I would be back when she was done with me. She had such a pleasant way about her that he could not argue with her. For the next three days she would give me bubble baths and foot rubs and talk to me about our dreams. She would cuddle my kids and assure them that it was all going to be okay. She listened to me cry and she talked me down from the ledge. When the time came for me to leave that mess she was the friend who stood by me through it all.
One night my church came and helped me pack some of my things and my little babies into a car. They gave me gas money and encouragement and then they put some other personal items in storage until they could come and deliver it to my new home six hours drive away. I left a lot behind that day. But I didn’t leave behind my church friends or my sister Cherie Lynn.
Friends are forever…
As we worked we talked. I really can’t remember who talked the most. We seemed to have so much in common that one of us could start a conversation and the other could finish it. We were like Siamese twins attached at the heart. We did everything together, much to the dismay of our husbands who were nothing alike at all.
We loved the same things. We had similar goals. We shared the same spiritual understandings. It was awesome! I never felt so linked to another woman in my life.
Looking back on it now I am really glad that I had found a good friend before her to practice on, because when Cherie Lynn came into my life it was just what I needed. I am really glad that I had learned enough to know how to be a friend and how to keep a friend and that I did not drive her off.
God brought me Cherie Lynn at just the right time. I t wan not very long after that I was in a serious situation with an abusive husband and my life was not very good. I use to bake whenever I got depressed and I lived in a run down little shack that was decorated in third world motif. Cherie Lynn would come over and there I was with my little kids, my hair a mess and a glaze in my eyes. I would smile my best worn out smile and she would look at the stacks of cinnamon buns, bread, cakes and cookies and say, “Well I think we better take some of these goodies home with us. I am here to rescue you!”
She would happily tell my husband that she was taking me with her, and that I would be back when she was done with me. She had such a pleasant way about her that he could not argue with her. For the next three days she would give me bubble baths and foot rubs and talk to me about our dreams. She would cuddle my kids and assure them that it was all going to be okay. She listened to me cry and she talked me down from the ledge. When the time came for me to leave that mess she was the friend who stood by me through it all.
One night my church came and helped me pack some of my things and my little babies into a car. They gave me gas money and encouragement and then they put some other personal items in storage until they could come and deliver it to my new home six hours drive away. I left a lot behind that day. But I didn’t leave behind my church friends or my sister Cherie Lynn.
Friends are forever…
Keeping Friends
Show a sincere interest.
When we show a sincere interest in people we can easily make friends. But keeping a friend is a little harder. It takes a little more work and effort. Everybody is likable for a few minutes but after a while their faults start to show through. However, before we criticize them for having faults we need to realize that we have some too. If we want to keep friends we will have to overlook some things about that person. As the Bible says, “love covers a multitude of sin, it does not expose it.”
What do I have to give?
Another helpful hint in keeping a friend is to look at the relationship with the question, “what do I have to give this person?” Not “what can I take from this person?” Have you ever had a friend that only wanted to take? Every time you got together they tried to get you into their latest multi-level business. They wanted you to give them something. They wanted you to take them somewhere. They wanted you to do them a favor. They wanted you to baby-sit for them. It was always about their needs and their wants. How did that make you feel?
So be a friend who wants to give, not a friend who wants to take, and everyone will want to be your friend.
Stop Trying To Prove Your Point
You can be right all of the time, or you can have friends. You can’t have both.
When you get together with a group of people and one person is always loudly telling the rest of you what to do and how to do it how does that make you feel? Don’t you want to tell them to shut up? Or maybe you just get up and leave. Either way, it is not a good feeling to spend time with a ‘know it all.’ So don’t be a ‘know it all.’
Benjamin Franklin was a ‘know it all’ when he was young, until a friend called him to account on his offensive behavior. Fortunately for Ben and for many others who were later impacted by him, he took the advice. From that point on instead of jumping into the conversation with prideful ‘know it all’ comments he began to carefully chose his words. He listened carefully before he spoke and only when he was asked did he give his opinion. Even then he started his conversations with the words, “Well, I could be wrong, but I perceive…” He became so likable that he was appointed as the good will ambassador to France.
If you are wrong admit it.
There is nothing wrong is saying you were wrong. Some people think that is a weakness, but actually it is a strength. Think about it. It is a lot easier to cut ties and run away, than it is to face your mistakes and admit it. That takes real courage. Any fool can run away, and most fools do. Any fool can dig in their heals and still scream, “I am right,” and again, most fools do.
An apology never hurts.
An apology never hurts, but loosing a friend does. Oh, the apology can be uncomfortable for a moment, but that feeling quickly fades when the friendship is restored. Although not everyone will accept your apology, most people will. Some need to think about it for a while, but most will accept it right away. Especially if you do it right.
How To Make a Good Apology That Counts
1. Look the person in the eye.
2. Tell them that you are sorry, without somehow blaming them for what you did. Don’t say “I am sorry, that you feel that way.” Or “I am sorry but you made me angry.” Or “I am sorry, but it wasn’t my fault.” Take responsibility in your apology. Say “I am sorry for what I did. It is my responsibility entirely.”
3. Tell them in detail what you are sorry about. Go on to describe how it must have made them feel. Let them know in your description that this apology means something to you and you have thought about their pain.
4. Ask them for forgiveness. At the end of your apology ask them, “Will you forgive me for this?”
When you make a good apology it clears the air. You will be able to move forward. The burden is lifted from your heart and theirs too.
Don’t give up.
Go back when there has been damage and try again. Don’t give up. At least try once more. If they refuse to hear you, then leave it and release it. Maybe give it six months or a year and then try again. But if they do not want to receive you, let the burden be released from you.
To keep it from giving you a bunch of bitterness tell God, “Father, I forgive them. I surrender this to your hands and I refuse to carry it anymore. Thanks for taking the weight of this off me. Amen.”
We have some great books about making and keeping friends on our booklist at New Life Valley Ministries. Attending a House Church can also really be helpful. The third session of training in every House Church is called Relationships 101 and there are lots of helpful tools given out about how to make and keep friends, as well as how to improve one’s marriage, home-life, and work relationships. See the side panels of this blog for information about where there may be a House Church operating near you.
Why Male Friends Are Not Enough
If we have ever been hurt by a woman, it can sometimes seem a lot easier to hang out with guys. They tend to not gossip as much. They tend to not be so critical. They are not usually as competitive with a woman in their midst as they may be with a man. If they are a wise man they do not compare us to other women, and that makes us feel free when we are around them. So it is easy to see why some women prefer to build relationships with guys.
However there are some problems with having just guy friends. First of all most men want sex, unless of course they are gay. Then they are having girl time to try and be more girl-like. But most men have sexual needs and hanging out with a woman is in some way feeding that need. They are either fantasizing about it secretly biding their time, or they are liking the looks of being a “lady killer” by hanging out with women.
I remember twice in my life having a friendship with a man who was older than me. Both times the man said that he just wanted to be my friend. He said he did not want anything from me. Both times the men were later found to be liars. When they felt that they had given enough friendship to the relationship and they felt that I now owed them something it seemed a good idea to bring up the “sex” thing. Both spoke of taking the relationship to a new level.
The fact is that men are sexual creatures. They can’t help it. Testosterone rules their brains. So it is hard for them to separate things into nice neat compartments and easier for us as women to be aware that they think that way and work with it. That is one of the reasons it is better to have a friendship with a woman. Unless she is a lesbian she is not going to turn the friendship into a sexual thing.
If you ever wonder if your male “friend” might be thinking that way, just ask him. “Heh, dude, I was thinking. Let’s have sex to release our stress. It won’t mean anything.” Then you will see real quick that your “friend” has other things on his mind, as he just about jumps out of his skin to comply. It is a very rare male friend who will say, “Ah, I don’t think so. I just want to be friends.”
I am sure that there will be some men who read this and they will say, “I don’t think you are being fair with men. I have more integrity than that!” Well, I hope that you do, and I would be really glad to know you if you do, but you are a rarity. There are always a few exceptions to every rule, but if I care at all about women I will share the statistical facts not the rare exceptions, because the reality is that most men want sex. If I tell them any different I am setting them up for failure. Just look at your male friends and associates and be honest with yourself.
There are other reasons as well why men and women make poor friends. When a woman shares her heart with her friend she becomes emotionally attached to her friend. She can actually initiate something called a “soul tie” by sharing herself emotionally with a male friend. She starts to feel “He really listens to me.” As she does this, a romantic interest that was not there before begins to form. That is fine if it a man that you want to build a romantic relationship with, but for a married woman this is a dangerous compromise. We begin to feel that our new “friend” cares more for us than our husband, and the door way comes open to marital break up.
Statistically men fall into sexual sin more because of visual temptation. The internet provides visual stimulation that captures their eyes and they can become quite addicted to that. On the average most women are less stimulated by the visual and are really drawn to the emotional sounds of a voice, or that which is written down. That is why chat-rooms and telephone calls between “friends” are having such a disastrous effect on marriages. Think about it. How many women have you heard of running away from their husband because they met someone online in a chat-room?
Relationships between women can be wholesome and helpful. When we just have male friendships we really limit ourselves. We miss out on advise that could help us raise our kids. We don’t have anyone speaking into our lives that really knows what we are going through in our times of life changes. We think we are all alone and that nobody has ever really been where we are at. Sure we miss some of the struggles of making friends with women, but we also do not grow in character because struggle is what builds character. As well we miss out on the joys of sisterhood. That is something that once we find it, we wonder, “How did I ever live without it?”
However there are some problems with having just guy friends. First of all most men want sex, unless of course they are gay. Then they are having girl time to try and be more girl-like. But most men have sexual needs and hanging out with a woman is in some way feeding that need. They are either fantasizing about it secretly biding their time, or they are liking the looks of being a “lady killer” by hanging out with women.
I remember twice in my life having a friendship with a man who was older than me. Both times the man said that he just wanted to be my friend. He said he did not want anything from me. Both times the men were later found to be liars. When they felt that they had given enough friendship to the relationship and they felt that I now owed them something it seemed a good idea to bring up the “sex” thing. Both spoke of taking the relationship to a new level.
The fact is that men are sexual creatures. They can’t help it. Testosterone rules their brains. So it is hard for them to separate things into nice neat compartments and easier for us as women to be aware that they think that way and work with it. That is one of the reasons it is better to have a friendship with a woman. Unless she is a lesbian she is not going to turn the friendship into a sexual thing.
If you ever wonder if your male “friend” might be thinking that way, just ask him. “Heh, dude, I was thinking. Let’s have sex to release our stress. It won’t mean anything.” Then you will see real quick that your “friend” has other things on his mind, as he just about jumps out of his skin to comply. It is a very rare male friend who will say, “Ah, I don’t think so. I just want to be friends.”
I am sure that there will be some men who read this and they will say, “I don’t think you are being fair with men. I have more integrity than that!” Well, I hope that you do, and I would be really glad to know you if you do, but you are a rarity. There are always a few exceptions to every rule, but if I care at all about women I will share the statistical facts not the rare exceptions, because the reality is that most men want sex. If I tell them any different I am setting them up for failure. Just look at your male friends and associates and be honest with yourself.
There are other reasons as well why men and women make poor friends. When a woman shares her heart with her friend she becomes emotionally attached to her friend. She can actually initiate something called a “soul tie” by sharing herself emotionally with a male friend. She starts to feel “He really listens to me.” As she does this, a romantic interest that was not there before begins to form. That is fine if it a man that you want to build a romantic relationship with, but for a married woman this is a dangerous compromise. We begin to feel that our new “friend” cares more for us than our husband, and the door way comes open to marital break up.
Statistically men fall into sexual sin more because of visual temptation. The internet provides visual stimulation that captures their eyes and they can become quite addicted to that. On the average most women are less stimulated by the visual and are really drawn to the emotional sounds of a voice, or that which is written down. That is why chat-rooms and telephone calls between “friends” are having such a disastrous effect on marriages. Think about it. How many women have you heard of running away from their husband because they met someone online in a chat-room?
Relationships between women can be wholesome and helpful. When we just have male friendships we really limit ourselves. We miss out on advise that could help us raise our kids. We don’t have anyone speaking into our lives that really knows what we are going through in our times of life changes. We think we are all alone and that nobody has ever really been where we are at. Sure we miss some of the struggles of making friends with women, but we also do not grow in character because struggle is what builds character. As well we miss out on the joys of sisterhood. That is something that once we find it, we wonder, “How did I ever live without it?”
Why Would I Go To Church?
Church can be a positive experience, but it has also been a very negative experience. It really depends on our background. Some people have never gone to church and have no frame of reference, but in Canada today many women have gone to church as a child or a young woman and not found solace there. These are some of the reasons why.
“I feel judged there.”
Women can be a bit competitive. Have you ever noticed it at the office? It is true. Sometimes it happens in God’s house too. It is not suppose to. Church is suppose to be different and full of life and that is how God wants it. However, whenever you get a group of imperfect people together under the same roof their imperfections are bound to come out. Sure we have a perfect God and we are suppose to have a perfect church but as soon as we get people involved the perfection seems to fade away
“There are hypocrites in church.”
It is true there are, but really there are hypocrites everywhere. You don’t avoid work because there is a hypocrite there. And at work nobody will ever confront that hypocrite. They have to put up with them. But at a good church the messages are shared about gossip and hypocritical living and there may be some hope that people will overcome. Would it not be better to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?
“There is nothing there that interests me.”
“I am a career woman, I am not interested in church.” “I don’t see the benefit in it.”
A good church is a place of growth and learning. It is similar to taking an ongoing Dale Carnagie’s course that shapes us into something wonderful and divine. It is about becoming.
Maybe you think you are pretty perfect already and don’t need that, but maybe on the other hand you should ask around. Most of us are not as perfect as we think and could benefit from a little transformation.
“Church is so old and not really relevant to today.”
Many people think that the Bible was written 2000 years ago and that it does not apply to us. We are so advanced. However, the technical advances have not really improved our character much. Think about it. In the Bible the stories are about people who committed adultery, people who killed each other, and people who fought and whined and caused problems with each other. Sounds like today, doesn’t it?
That is because human nature has not evolved at all. We still lie, cheat, steal, murder, commit lewd indecent acts and hurt each other. We have not changed. So the lessons of the Bible are just as relevant today as they were when they were written.
To find out more about how the God of the Bible can actually be a benefit to you try attending one of our House Churches in a location near you. House Church is similar to church but different. Instead of having someone preach at you, you get to participate in the discussion. You can figure out what is relevant to you and use it, and then you can discard the things that you are not sure about yet.
Home Church is a great place to meet new friends. It is also a great place to become a better friend. In this environment women can learn to be a blessing to other women. They can also learn to see men in a new and better light. People overcome issues of unforgiveness and they let go of bitterness that has been poisoning them and causing anger and stress. Many people overcome depression and social problems like shyness.
Home Church is a safe place that helps us to make friends and it gives us some practice in keeping them as well. The Bible tells us that “iron sharpens iron.” There is no better place to practice sharpening than amongst people who have some motivation to love on you a bit.
“I feel judged there.”
Women can be a bit competitive. Have you ever noticed it at the office? It is true. Sometimes it happens in God’s house too. It is not suppose to. Church is suppose to be different and full of life and that is how God wants it. However, whenever you get a group of imperfect people together under the same roof their imperfections are bound to come out. Sure we have a perfect God and we are suppose to have a perfect church but as soon as we get people involved the perfection seems to fade away
“There are hypocrites in church.”
It is true there are, but really there are hypocrites everywhere. You don’t avoid work because there is a hypocrite there. And at work nobody will ever confront that hypocrite. They have to put up with them. But at a good church the messages are shared about gossip and hypocritical living and there may be some hope that people will overcome. Would it not be better to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?
“There is nothing there that interests me.”
“I am a career woman, I am not interested in church.” “I don’t see the benefit in it.”
A good church is a place of growth and learning. It is similar to taking an ongoing Dale Carnagie’s course that shapes us into something wonderful and divine. It is about becoming.
Maybe you think you are pretty perfect already and don’t need that, but maybe on the other hand you should ask around. Most of us are not as perfect as we think and could benefit from a little transformation.
“Church is so old and not really relevant to today.”
Many people think that the Bible was written 2000 years ago and that it does not apply to us. We are so advanced. However, the technical advances have not really improved our character much. Think about it. In the Bible the stories are about people who committed adultery, people who killed each other, and people who fought and whined and caused problems with each other. Sounds like today, doesn’t it?
That is because human nature has not evolved at all. We still lie, cheat, steal, murder, commit lewd indecent acts and hurt each other. We have not changed. So the lessons of the Bible are just as relevant today as they were when they were written.
To find out more about how the God of the Bible can actually be a benefit to you try attending one of our House Churches in a location near you. House Church is similar to church but different. Instead of having someone preach at you, you get to participate in the discussion. You can figure out what is relevant to you and use it, and then you can discard the things that you are not sure about yet.
Home Church is a great place to meet new friends. It is also a great place to become a better friend. In this environment women can learn to be a blessing to other women. They can also learn to see men in a new and better light. People overcome issues of unforgiveness and they let go of bitterness that has been poisoning them and causing anger and stress. Many people overcome depression and social problems like shyness.
Home Church is a safe place that helps us to make friends and it gives us some practice in keeping them as well. The Bible tells us that “iron sharpens iron.” There is no better place to practice sharpening than amongst people who have some motivation to love on you a bit.
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